you have (0) new messages
by BleachedMerc
Summary: As WhiteAngelFeathersStallionPrincessGurl98, Xion and her sister enjoy a tiny fanbase on MySpace. But then their number one fan turns out to have a handsome secret identity and it's a race between the two girls to see who can snag a virtual date with him first! But since they share an account, will anyone be able to tell who he loves most? Contains Roshi.


It was the Golden Age of the Internet. Everyone was connected like never before. Whatever the heart desired was just a few keystrokes away, and with major sites like Amazon, YouTube, and FaceBook, it was hard to not find something to buy or someone to chat to. Lots of young entrepreneurs made their fortunes on the Internet, and Xion aimed to do the same. With help from her sister of course!

"Okay, sis! Now listen up!" said Xion from her podium haphazardly taped together from old pizza boxes. "Everyone's making it big on the interwebs and we're no different!"

"Right!" said Rinoa with gusto. She was sitting in a chair made from old, rusty wire hangers.

"Now here's the plan," Xion continued, sauntering over to a whiteboard made from discarded paper plates. She slapped her wooden pointer against a grease stain. "We're going to—oh wait, no." She paused to flip the plate over, realizing the diagram she drew was on the other side. "We're going to take to the computer!" she continued, pointing to a crudely scribbled picture of a box with some doodads attached to it.

"Right!" said Rinoa. She was hanging on every word.

"Step 1: Make an account on the most popular site the intertubes has to offer!"

"Right!"

"Step 2: Hook a ton of followers!" Xion slapped her pointer on a doodle of some weird melons attached to sticks. They were named "Roxas" and "Leon."

"Right!"

"Step 3: Make lucrative deals with advertisers!" Xion pointed next to some grotesquely oblong pigs complete with oinking word bubbles.

"Right!"

"And finally, step 4: Profit!" Xin proudly tapped her pointer to a whole plateful of moneybags.

"Right!"

"Any questions?"

Riona shook her head. "Tee-hee!"

"Good. Now let's get to work!" Xion hopped down off her pizza boxes and went to the table that held her old Gateway computer running Windows 95. Next to it was her Sony Walkman with a cassette tape looping Eye of the Tiger. She gave both a fair amount of whacks to get them sputtering back to life and then cracked her knuckles. "Let's do this."

Seven hours of musical montage later, and Xion had set up the joint MySpace account she would share with Rinoa.

"We did it, sis!" Xion proudly declared.

"Yay!" said Rinoa from her wire chair. She hadn't moved at all because princesses don't do stuff like that.

"Now we can just sit back and let the money train run its course!" Xion nestled comfortably in the chair she made from discarded packing styrofoam and watched the hit tracker on the WhiteAngelFeathersStallionPrincessGurl98 account she had spent half the day making. The page had a blinding hot pink background with lime green text that read: "Wanted: Stud muffins for a good time."

Several hours passed and then several days and weeks. Still the page read "you have (0) new messages." The money dispensed by the advertisers was equally disappointing. Not only did they not earn any cash, but they owed $5 in affiliate setup fees.

After the third month of "you have (0) new messages," it was time to knock things up a notch. Xion took drastic measures into her own hands and commissioned an artist. MySpace was about to get artsy, y'all.

"Okay, so, remember: draw us as sexy as possible," Xion instructed.

"Right!" said Rinoa from behind her easel. She was wearing a smock splattered with paint and a beret three sizes too big.

"Remember: lots of curves!"

"Right!"

"And definitely accentuate our feminine assets, if you know what I mean."

"Right!" Rinoa took her giant brush and splashed it against the canvas. Paint went flying everywhere. Within seconds, the masterpiece was completed and Xion swooned.

"We look SO hot."

"Tee-hee!"

Xion quickly took a picture of the masterpiece. It was good enough to be on Playhouse Magine's front page. She then dropped the film off for development and picked up the pictures a week later. Then she scanned one of the pictures into her computer and posted it on MySpace with the words "Looking 4 luv" underneath it in fuchsia colored text.

It was back to the waiting game. "You have (0) new messages" was taunting them for ages. No matter how many hours she stared at it, Xion never saw the number go up. And then a power surge forced the computer to reboot. When it finally came back online, there it was: the coveted (1) message.

"We did it, sis!" Xion jumped for joy. "We're in the money now!"

"Yay!" said Rinoa. She was still painting for some reason.

Xion clicked on the message and took a deep breath. It was the moment of truth. She entered the inbox where a message titled "ur hawt" was waiting. It was sent by someone named TwoHandedDestinyBeefCakeXIII. With a hesitant gulp and nonexistent heart pounding, Xion dared to click the link.

"hey sexy curves I herd u liek studkips wanna meet?"

Xion nearly fainted. It was the most beautiful poetry she had ever heard. She was about to type a reply when Rinoa actually deigned to do something and shoved her sister out of the way. Using her paint brush for maximum precision and dexterity, she typed "GAWD YAS" and smothered just about everything with paint. She went to splosh paint on "send" when Xion shooed her away.

"Sis, no! What are you doing?" Xion screamed. "We can't say yes yet!"

"Tee-hee?" Rinoa was confused.

"Gawd, sis! We're not a couple of cheap floozies. He's gotta court us first!"

That confused Rinoa even more. She looked over a can full of ashes that once housed some legal documents that Roxas had allegedly held at one point. Xion had secretly fished them out of Cinderella's dumpster while no one was looking and kept them in her Roxas Shrine.

"No, sis. Not _that_ kind of court! I mean he's gotta flirt a bit first! Get to know us. All sorts of weirdos trawl around the internet. Not everyone's going to be as sweet and innocent as we are."

"Right!" said Rinoa. She was won over. Letting Xion handle the rest, she resumed painting. It looked like a smear, but if one were to squint, it would look like a blob. It was supposed to be a luscious garden with a half-naked goat god prancing around, but only Rinoa could ever see that in a big smudge of nothingness.

Xion took the reins of the keyboard again, but the keys had all stuck together with dried paint and she couldn't make out the letters all that great. So she got a hammer and just hit some stuff randomly before clicking send.

Several minutes passed and then another message arrived: "gurl ur 1 sexy talker"

Xion swooned. She then composed herself long enough to smashed a few more keys. She and her pen pal boyfriend continued messaging each other until Xion got a call from the wild.

"Be right back, sis!" said Xion running out the door. "Mind the computer!"

"Right!" Rinoa put down he artisan tools and took to the interwebs. There was a new message and of course she was going to read it. It said: "wut size knockers"

Rinoa typed her favorite number: "66.6"

That period was a glitch but she didn't know how to delete it so sent the message anyway.

Another message arrived: "yowza hawter than possible!"

Rinoa typed back and the messages got so steamy, Xion came back to find the monitor fogged up.

"Sis, what are you doing?!" Xion shrieked. She shoved Rinoa out of the way and saw the latest message: "i thought u were hawt be4 but now im beyowza 4 ur bezonka"

Something inside Xion snapped. Was her lover more into her sister than he was her? No! Impossible! It couldn't be! ...Could it? The stars were aligned for this glorious exchange of passion between Xion and her digital boyfriend. Who would've guessed her sister would come between them? She quickly went and did some damage control and tested the waters to see if she still had it.

Another message came: "baby u so hawt wanna date now"

Xion started to drool. It was time. "gawd yas" she typed back.

The reply came very quickly: "cool mind if I bring friend?"

Xion gasped. This was too perfect! Now she could bring Rinoa and see which one her stud muffin truly preferred. And when Rinoa saw that it was Xion who was the hawtest of them all, she'd at least have a consolation prize. "only if I can bring 1 2" she typed back.

The next reply couldn't come fast enough: "oh baby yes"

They arranged a time and place for the date, and then it was time to get ready. Xion jumped into a pile of paper plates and quickly tossed together a battle plan. Within hours, she had everything set to go.

"Alright, sis! Listen up!" she said from her pizza box pulpit.

"Right!" said Rinoa from her wiry chair.

"We're about to embark on a double date!"

"Right!"

"Here's the plan," Xion tapped her wooden pointer against the greasy plates. "Step 1: Wear our sexiest clothes." She pointed to a picture of what looked like two cow-faced people with wigs and too much makeup.

"Right!"

"Step 2: Hook up with our stud muffins." She pointed to the same paper plate from earlier that had doodles of Roxas and Leon.

"Right!"

"And step 3: Profit!" Xion pointed to yet another plate from earlier, although instead of the money bags one, she used the pig one by accident.

"Right!"

"Any questions?"

"Tee-hee!" Rinoa shook her head.

"Great. Now let's get dressed!"

"Right!"

Hours later, Xion and Rinoa sauntered into the local McDuck's Burger Palace wearing their normal clothes but with paint all over themselves. They scanned around for Roxas and Leon, but couldn't see them anywhere. The only patrons were some old geezer, a teapot, and Jane Porter.

"I think we're early, sis," Xion deduced.

Rinoa was about to agree when she was suddenly interrupted by some cat calls.

"Hubba, hubba! You look just like your profile picture, hee hee!"

"Who said that?!" Xion darted around to look for Roxas, but instead saw the old geezer promptly rise from his table and tiptoe over with the help of his cane. He gave the girls a lecherous smile from behind his long beard, and Xion could tell his eyes were just as lecherous behind his thick, red-rimmed sunglasses.

"Now which one of you two beauties is WhiteAngelFeathersStallionPrincessGurl98?" wondered the geezer. "Oh, I know how to tell! Hee hee!" He started pinching his fingers together as blood ran down his nose. "66.6, right? Hee hee!"

Xion quickly changed the subject. It was too early for him to say which one he liked more! Although at this point she hoped it was Rinoa. Xion's nonexistent heart would always nonexistently belong to Roxas! "Uh, before that, didn't you say you brought a friend?" she said, still clinging to the hope that Roxas was somehow still TwoHandedDestinyBeefCakeXIII.

"Want to jump to the good stuff that quickly, eh?" snickered the old coot. "Can't say a blame ya! My pal's just using the facilities if you know what I mean. Ho ho! He'll be out in a jiffy!" There was a sudden flush in the background and the geezer clapped his hands. "Sounds like he's about ready to join us!"

The bathroom door flung open and out flopped a giant turtle. "Gee, Master Roshi! You were right about that mango latte! It went right through me!"

"Turtle, meet WhiteAngelFeathersStallionPrincessGurl98 and her friend!" said Roshi, the old coot.

Turtle went red in the face. "O-oh! Hiya! Nice to meetcha!" he said with a bashful grin.

Xion's nonexistent heart was nonexistent broken. Nonexistent again. Without saying a word, she grabbed Rinoa by the smock and led her out of the restaurant. "Looks like it's time for Plan B," she said.

"Right!" Rinoa readily agreed.

"Time to go force Roxas and Leon to date us and pay off our affiliate setup fee."

"Right!"

The two twits started walking down the street heading for Leon's base of operations where Roxas worked part-time. They didn't get very far, though. A cruise ship fell from the sky and crushed them both. Second later, a blue police box materialized next to it and Roo hopped out alongside a tall, well-dressed man whose hair was absolutely stunning. The two picked up some wayward sticks—really Pooh sticks—that had been shaken loose from the fallen ship when it crashed. They then used their blue box to swiftly return the Pooh sticks back to the Fellowship of the Pooh.

A few days later, Leon and Roxas came out to the crash site to clear up the mess. They repurposed the cruise ship as a new tourist trap and used the funds to revamp the city's decaying infrastructure.

The end.


End file.
